We’re getting close to taking our son on our first family vacation. It has me thinking about the types of experiences we want to have together, and the financial planning associated.
I’m going to give you two scenarios, and I want you to decide which you think is more enjoyable for a young family. Staying at a fancy resort with unlimited food and drink and four pools, or staying in a modest but clean hotel with a family-friendly pool. I bet a lot of people would think it’s obvious – take the resort! It’s the higher end option, and thus people will enjoy it more. If it wasn’t the best, people wouldn’t pay double or triple for it, right? Well, in my experience, I’ve seen a ton of counterexamples to that logic. Whether we look at a vacation or a house or a restaurant, a positive experience is more about the people than it is the luxury. Spending more money doesn’t equate to acquiring more value.
Spending more money doesn’t equate to acquiring more value.
My observations
Happy people seem to be happy no matter where they are. Miserable people seem to be miserable no matter where they are. Adding high end features to social time is like adding a stereo system to your car. It’s awesome if you have a car that works, but kind of useless if your engine is busted.
My family dynamics growing up weren't perfect, but we had a lot of good times anyway. I grew up camping and staying in affordable hotels with continental breakfast and a pool. I don’t recall aching for anything materially finer than that. I already had what a kid needs! Shelter, enough to eat, safe places to play, and people who love me. If we had ever been able to swing a family trip to a resort or a summer in Europe, it would have basically been the same thing. Shelter, enough to eat, safe places to play, and family. That’s why it was such a huge culture shock for me going to a resort for the first time as an adult. Put on a jacket, because I’m about to rain down a whole lot of judgment.
In 2016 an extended family friend offered a week at their condo in Ka’anapali, Maui. I was absolutely dumbstruck by the beauty of the island, having never been anywhere tropical before. The resort was incredible, and the nature was epic. Snorkeling made me feel like an actual turtle, instead of just looking like one. We had a spectacular time. We went out to eat once a day or would do happy hour here and there, but also went to the grocery store to get stuff for sandwiches and drinks in the room. Cheaper and less time consuming that way!
The only downer while we were there? The RB's.
Resort Brats (RB's)
Never heard of RB’s? Discovered in 2016 and pronounced “are-bees”, RB’s stands for “Resort Brats.” These are the kids who spend their entire vacation alternating between their phones, causing chaos, yelling at each other, and throwing rich-kid-fits to try to gain notice of their parents - who seem to think their kids are some tropical disease. Kids are smart enough to understand the difference between being given freedom and being treated like an inconvenience.
It seems like these families get on a plane, go to one of the most spectacular places in the world, but don’t seem to experience much of it because they spend the whole time resenting each other within their own little silos. I’ve been to a few resorts since, and every time I see at least a few packs of RB's. The parents ignoring the kids while they joylessly sitting around, the bored kids getting whiny and pushing boundaries. The adults always finding an issue with every detail. My food was too salty. My drinks were late. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The tide’s too high. The kids won’t stop whining. My spouse doesn’t look like the yoga instructor.
That’s the thing that I think is so unnatural about the luxurious lives we have access to. Either we pay so much money that we expect perfection, or we’re so used to getting what we want all the time that we melt down if we can’t have it. We have access to so many amazing things that we don’t realize they are a bonus on top of what really matters. But the good news is, that’s only part of the population. There are also plenty of people who are grateful and amazed to be where they are. They understand that most people in the world could only dream of such access and amenities. And they are nice to each other. They’re nice to service staff, and tip well. They enjoy the natural beauty around them. They skip the beach makeup and get in the flipping water.
The part about getting in the water is both metaphorical and literal. The metaphor is about participating in your kid's activities and simply being with them. The literal part is that the adults I see who are willing to get in a pool, river, lake, or ocean with their kids don’t ever seem to have a bad time. And the faces of the children express the joy and belonging that we want all kids to feel. No family is without drama, and even vacations aren’t immune, but these are some of the most important and memorable times a family can have together.
I’m so thankful my parents always got in the water with me, literally and metaphorically. Subconsciously, it let me know I’m safe and loved. It helped us bond. It was fun. It taught me that being active and unentitled is natural and liberating.
Being active and unentitled is natural and liberating.
Even though my parents ended up splitting, I remember our camping and road trips being amazing times. And we never once went to a resort that I can recall. We rarely went out to eat. We would camp or stay in affordable hotels, and they never treated me or my brothers like an inconvenience. So when I see people in the most beautiful place on earth screaming at their kids for the crime of being young, energetic, and curious, it hits me how lucky I was to have parents who valued our time and experiences over their own luxuries. Even if we could have swung a Hawaiian resort trip for 5, I know we’d have been in the water together - the water would have just been way warmer. We'd still make up fun games, play cards at night, ignore the TV in the room. Not requiring entertainment, but moving and thinking like humans are intended to do. Eating sandwiches in our hotel room because having food and being together is enough. Being polite to service workers if we went out. Same simple stuff in a more spectacular venue.
Wrapping up
I genuinely feel bad for the RB's and their parents, even though they get to go cool places. My wife and I plan to travel a lot as a family, locally and abroad, and we will prioritize teaching the kiddos to appreciate where they are and what they're doing. From PNW tent camping to tropical paradise, from a homemade PB&J to a Brazilian steakhouse, we want our family to feel loved and lucky no matter what. The best way we can do that is to model gratitude and prioritize being together.
Here are my recommendations for financially friendly family time:
Budget for family adventures. My wife and I fund a travel sub-savings with each paycheck so that we can pay for fun things stress-free.
Find financially friendly hobbies that you can do as a family, locally or while traveling.
Prioritize social health - the health of your relationships. Family dynamic will outkick luxury every time.
Try camping. There’s so much good that comes out of being in the outdoors and it presents so many opportunities to talk, move, and be creative. If you aren't ready to buy camping gear, which can have a notable upfront cost, try renting some first.
If you have someone who made you feel as special as I did when my parents spent time being active with me when I was a kid, thank them and give specifics as to why they made an impact.
Your best life is a healthy life. Go get it.
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