7 Money Lessons from a New Dad

Imagine yourself taking a multiple choice exam with five options for each question. The test is on a subject you’ve never studied, in a language you can’t read, and if you guess wrong, you get an airhorn in your ear. You're retested every 1-2 hours for 24 hours per day and the answer key changes daily. This is how I might describe my experience as a brand new dad of an infant.

Woof. Being a parent is humbling. But luckily for me, the kid is the coolest, and his mom is too. And what a tremendous opportunity for personal growth. Cheers to the caretakers of the world.

Your finances impact and are impacted by the rest of your life. A major life change like starting a family will rock your world and shake up your budget. In situations like these, a lot of people end up in a challenging pattern of excessive spending and neglecting their own health. But if they’re mindful and try to learn and grow, sometimes starting a family is actually what rallies people into healthier habits, financially and otherwise. Nothing inspires hope and purpose like new life.

Here are some of my thoughts and observations from my first two months as a dad, and how it all connects to financial wellness.

1 - Junk spending is more tempting

Emotion, fatigue, lack of confidence, and feeling unprepared are among the top reasons people overspend. As a new parent, I often feel like a chunky soup of all of those things. It has taken extra mindfulness and discipline to avoid trying to squash these big feelings with excessive spending (which never works).

Remember to always ask yourself what specific benefit you think you'll get from a given choice (spending or otherwise), and what alternatives you could choose to gain a similar benefit. You may even realize you don't really require that specific benefit, and that's always fun.

Also, try explaining your proposed spending rationale to someone you trust, such as your partner or a friend, and see if it makes sense when you say it out loud. If I didn't practice that myself, I'd have probably have 3 hot tubs, 12 cats, and a timeshare in inland Florida.

For larger purchases I recommend evaluating your choices using WAIT method, which is outlined in my book. Sneak preview:

W = "W" questions (Who What Where When Why How)

A = research Alternatives

I = Investigate options

T = Think on it

2 - Adaptability

Ask the mom with baby vomit on her family photoshoot sweater, and she'll tell you sometimes things just don't go as planned. Even when parents are using proven methods, results aren't always ideal. The same is true with investing, career plans, and major purchases. Be patient and don't abandon a sturdy ship in favor of the trendy, breezy-looking islands of personal finance - they might be covered in scorpions and you may get stranded. The best way to reach your goals is to consistently apply quality strategies, and believe that you can still reach your objective even if the path is zigzaggy.

3 - New stakeholders, new goals

When you have a dependent, the objective of your career quickly becomes more primal. At its core, a job is basically the replacement for hunting and gathering. I feel like folks rarely stay exactly the same in their careers when their family grows. Some may seek promotion and higher pay to meet the new financial needs, some may go opposite and seek flexibility even if means lower pay. Or, perhaps they stay where they are but have to set a different schedule and/or expectations. For many people, some of their work fulfillment may be replaced by expanded roles and purpose at home.

For my boy to have the life I want him to have, and for me to enjoy parenthood, I need to provide him with more than just financial resources. I need to earn, save, and invest in order to meet his current and future needs, but I also need to actually be with him. We will take on the world together, symbiotically learning, growing, and adding color to our lives. In addition to food, water, and shelter, I think love and attention are basic needs.

4 - Your needs will always matter

For most of my adult life, I worried that being a parent meant I'd never be able to prioritize myself again. Sell my guitars, give up my dreams, squish into my shiny new dad bod. Now that I'm here, I feel differently.

To be the best parent I can be, I need to prioritize my Four Circles of Health whenever possible. It's the "put on your own oxygen mask first" philosophy you hear on airplanes. For example, taking care of my body (Physical) will allow me to get on the ground to help him stack blocks. Managing my stress (Mental) will help me stay patient and engaged. My wife and I nurturing our marriage will surely benefit the family, and having good relationships with the rest of our loved ones will keep our support network strong (Social). On top of that, being financially healthy is good for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities.

I also realize that instead of giving up my Passion, Fulfillment, and Empowerment activities (PFE), I should continue to make them a priority! They belong in my life, by myself and with the little guy. My PFE activities are the things that energize and refresh me, which makes them good for the family overall, and now I value them more than ever.

I realize now that I don't have to give up my music just because I have a baby. In fact, some of my favorite times so far have been playing for him, and we listen to tunes together daily. Another example is that I don't have to stop hiking - I just have a new hiking buddy. And if it's ever really important for me to have solo time with PFE, my wife supports me in doing that as well. I'm very fortunate there. The better off we are, the better off our loved ones are.

5 - Toughness matters

You’re tougher than you may realize. If you can endure labor, sleep deprivation, and staying completely still while trying to breathe through your nose without moving because the baby is finally asleep and that’s worth the pain even if it means your elbow might combust… well if you can handle that, I promise you can stick to a written budget.

6 - Refill the well of discipline

Becoming a parent is like a voluntary boot camp for your patience. Patience is a form of discipline, and the Five Truths of Financial Health tell us that discipline is an exhaustible resource. Patience is a skill that can translate to other arenas; however, no matter how patient you become, you still have to wait for the well to refill sometimes.

Whether you're raising a little monster, riding out bad market performance, or trying not to Hulk your workstation, it helps to have ways to quickly restock your patience. Find a healthy way to quickly reward yourself and reenergize. No, I don’t mean inhaling a Twinkie, doom scrolling, or sneaking into the pantry for a tequila shot. Go for a walk if you can. Find a screen-free hobby that can be picked up and set down easily. Meditate or do breathing exercises. Drop it like it's hot (or if you don't understand my outdated hip hop reference, just take a 90 second dance break). All sorts of stuff can help when you're feeling overwhelmed.

Where money comes into play is that oftentimes when we lose patience, we look for a quick spike of instant gratification. We may be adversely attracted to things like unnecessary/unplanned online shopping or making impulsive career and investment decisions. Find better options to avoid junk spending and other poor choices.

7 - New expectations

Unless our little dude becomes a baby model (which in my biased opinion, he could be) he materially increases our daily costs without adding income. That just is what it is. We also can't expect to sleep how we used to, my wife and I have to work harder to find one on one time, and we encounter much more decision fatigue. I don't know of many ways to avoid those things when you're actively raising an infant, so we just have to adapt and set new expectations.

I’m grateful that we were in a good financial position when we started our family; it doesn’t directly make the actual caretaking any easier, but it's at least one less hog at our energy trough. With our priorities and circumstances changing, we just need to adjust our goals and expectations accordingly. By setting realistic targets we can celebrate the things we actually are getting done, rather than getting flustered that some things are harder to pull off than they used to be. Easier said than done, but it's what we try to do.

Wrapping up

In the comments, tell me some of your quick healthy recharge habits! What are you already doing and what do you plan to try? I'm always interested to hear what works for people.

My final thought is to trust yourself, with parenting and finance and life in general. Don't beat yourself up if you're struggling; trust that you're doing your best and that you will continue to learn and grow.